I recently submitted my Ph.D thesis for review, I defend in a few months. It is a particular and unique place to be, one that I had assumed would be full of relief, accomplishment, and joy. It is, in fact, a bit more confusing than that. I feel 'done', exhausted, and largely ambivalent...
...that being said, I'm apparently not alone in this state of post-thesis 'weirdness' and having colleagues who understand and have experienced this before me is extremely helpful. I recently caught the train with one such colleague and stumbled upon an analogy that merited exploring.
I warn you, the analogy rests within somewhat of a sexual nature so if you are of the kind inclined to 'clutch your pearls' perhaps this is not for you. Also, let me be clear that I write from the perspective of studies in the arts, humanities, and social sciences... I cannot guarantee that the analogy holds with respect to studies in science, engineering, medicine, or commerce... And, finally, I am by no means attempting to reduce the experience of parenting, in all of its capacities, in any way. It is a metaphorical as opposed to a 'pure' analogy.
I said to my colleague, jokingly, that one can compare higher education degrees to particular kinds of physical/sexual experiences. Allow me to elaborate:
Undergraduate Studies or The Slightly Drunken Make Out
In your 20s, or so I'm told, there are several opportunities to attend parties and 'hook up' with a range of attractive partners. These make outs are largely non-committal, inconsequential, and just 'fun'. Similarly, an undergraduate degree is mostly about exploring vague interpretations of larger fields of study couched within the broader experience of pushing and setting individual boundaries as an 'adult', for the first time. It is more a right of passage than a qualification and the correlation between undergraduate major and career is similar to the correlation between slightly drunken make out buddy and spouse... largely subject to chance.
The Masters Degree or Intercourse
By the time you decide to pursue a masters degree you're pretty clear about two things: 1- you really want to learn 2- you have a field of study to which you belong (or wish to belong to). A masters degree is a magical place of equally committed peers, insightful and illuminating readings, and enlivening discussions that change the way you conceive of, perceive, and live in the world. In the end, you put all of this magic, reading, and mind-stretching into writing a thesis that is very personal and meaningful to you. In short, you relish each thrust of growth and learning until at last you pour out, in ecstasy, your little contribution to the whole exercise. Sure it can be hard work, but in the end it feels great!
The Ph.D or Pregnancy/Labour/and Birth
So you did a masters, the charming and handsome degree loured you into a cuckold where you thought: I am singularly brilliant, I should do a doctorate! You start with all the best intentions and, regardless of what others who have gone before you say, you think "I know it will be hard work, but I can do it!". What it is impossible to know until you're strapped in to the roller coaster climbing steeply up toward the drop, is that a Ph.D is going to change your life. It is going to change the way people relate to you, it will affect all of your interpersonal relationships and, ultimately, leaves you with a very small and specialized group of people who understand what you're talking about when you're not 'translating' your experiences to them. It begins with strange alienation that you can't quite place, morning sickness, strange cravings, mood swings, and a fear of talking about it because you get all superstitious about whether people should know or not.
Gradually it progresses into a divide where you're always feeding yourself and your thesis, your mind is always divided and you struggle with being fully present for anything. This is around the time you start 'showing': grey hairs, weight gain, wrinkles, and everyone starts to feel as though they can share their opinions about how you should be looking after yourself as well as ask invasive questions about the 'nature' of your research and whether or not it is 'viable'. Finally, you get through all the milestone hurdles, the upgrade/oral exam, the lit review, the approvals, and you are given the go-ahead to write-up. Cue contractions!
Life becomes about the few minutes of breath you get in between paroxysmal self-doubt and the sudden realization that your thesis is 'trite rubbish' and you 'can't do this'! You begin to curse that rat-bastard masters degree for all the sweet nothings whispered in your academic ear and for that one night you got carried away and wrote a thesis proposal, and sent it! But it's too late now... The last bit of it is a blur, you're sleep deprived, incapable of normal speech, and so tired of filling out submission forms that you don't want to see a pen ever again. The thesis-binder smiles knowingly as he pries the hot, printed pages from your shaking, overly caffeinated hands and urges that you 'breathe'. You hand it in and collapse, emotionally exhausted and confused.
In the days that follow, everyone holds your copy and says things like "wow, its so substantial!" and "you wrote a book!" and "you must be thrilled", but you just stare in awe at this two hundred some odd page document that somehow came out of you. A simultaneous moment of love, revulsion, and fear: "Now what? how am I going to live up to the promise this thesis holds?"...
... and that is what is key. The promise. The Ph.D, at the end of the day, is not about you. It is not the fulfilment of a credential, or an opportunity to revel in books and thoughts, it is a promise to contribute to how the world creates, stores, and uses knowledge. It is a promise to be part of the discussion and to lead and nurture those who wish 'speak' after you. It is a contribution to the future.
I'm not sure what the next steps look like and, frankly, that is what is exciting about right now. I will keep you posted, as you know. What I will say is if you are close to someone who is doing a Ph.D, be kind, their mind is a tempest that feeds into everything that they consider foundational-- and they are ALWAYS thinking about it. They love you, and they need you, they will come around in time and be better people for it. They are having such a hard time being patient with themselves that your patience is key. For everyone who was that for me, who was part of my Ph.D journey, I thank you immensely!
But now I have to consider how I'm going to raise this baby, how I can help it be a good and useful part of the future...
