The Soup of Regret

I've been thinking a lot lately about the regret we all stew in: I couldn't have done this, I should have done that. We even engage in preemptive regret: if I don't do this now I won't be that, if I don't make certain choices I won't have my desired outcome. It can be a maddening and life consuming exercise. Ultimately, this line of thinking leads to an inability to experience the present without a constant, internal cost/benefit analysis-- yet we still do it!

I, personally, spend so much time in my own head that regret and I are like old drinking buddies: we get together each time hoping to connect and catch up but after a couple of rounds we wind up telling the same stories we always do just to stew in the familiar soup. And the radical alternative, the equally imbalanced other side of 'no regrets', carpe diem, 'live as if you'll die tomorrow', mentality is reciprocally alienating as one slowly realizes that it is an exhausting way to live long-term. Being constantly aware of one's own and others mortality can (and often does) hinder deep connection. Perhaps, like labour pain, mortality is something we cannot keep at the forefront of our conscious thought or we would not commit fully to life.

The constant pressure to be 'happy' and to make all major life decisions based on this rather tenuous premise is the underlying culprit. The myth of striving until we reach some sort of stasis 'happy', where all our choices will somehow coalesce into the right formula for coasting through the rest of our lives with only minor bumps, is an even more insidious fairytale then the happily-ever-after sold to us by Disney! Also, the vast influx of penny psychology (my own included) inundates us with cerebral and verbose analysis (and over analysis) of every choice, every partnership, every twinge of anything other than blissful happiness. There are many 'systems' for living a happier life that present us with buzz terms and numbered steps for a low effort high yield 'better life' solution. Although, arguably if there were a proven 'system' for happiness that didn't require a deep commitment to self reflection (i.e. hard work) and if 'happy' were a universal experience then such a system would work--but, alas, the human condition is complex. So, we are offered bandaid solutions--breathe, do yoga, chill out, focus on something greater than yourself-- and, while these are all useful and helpful practices, there is a schism between problem and solution where the process part has been completely removed.

I offer no penny solution here. Regret, like 'drive', currently serves in my wheelhouse of motivators. For example, I am compelled to push harder in my work to avoid regret, I value my current relationships more so as not to suffer having taken them for granted. Perhaps one day I will find a better use for that energy or will find myself enlightened enough to let regret retire from my team. But, for now, it is what it is.

Happy New Year and First Blog Post:

So, Happy New Year! I've never really been sure of the whole blogging thing, mostly because it seemed a bit of a self-indulgent pursuit to me to leave one's thoughts and ideas, scattered and unedited, all over the internet. But, as I've been reading the blogs of some of my friends, I see that it is much more than merely public diary and so I'm throwing my keyboard in the ring (there is always room at the table for some good cheese!).

I hope to use this space to write of many things (shoes, ships, ceiling wax...), to escape the confines of 'academic register', to pose questions and engage in dialogue.

I begin with a small conundrum:

We often put our best foot forward for our work, our bosses, our colleagues; we strive for our goals and are completely comfortable with the idea of working hard for our success. Yet, somehow, we feel that personal relationships should come easy, should be effortless; and when they don't work, instead of being proactive, we become defeated. Why is it that we can accept that our success is directly linked to how much work we put in and, at the same time, feel entitled to completely functional personal relationships- friendships, romantic partnerships, familial relationships- where effort is considered a turn-off?

For those of you who pass this way, I look forward to your comments and opinions. As a relative newcomer to the pursuit of blogging, I thank you for your patience and understanding.

With best wishes and mighty ambitions.